Looking Back
by i.anachronism
Summary: This is a songfic to the song Cold by Crossfade. Pairing FB, just some Faith contimplation.


**Disclaimer:**I do not own BtVS or the song.

**A/N:**This was a request peice. This is for SinisterSlayer. Thank you for the request and all the input you've given me.

**  
Looking back at me I see  
That I never really got it right**

I always wondered why you tried to be friends with me. I had never said or done anything to imply that I wanted to be your friend. I'm not saying that I didn't, I did, in fact I wanted to be so much more. But you had Angel in the beginning, and then I came back, expecting a second chance, and you'd up and fallen in love again. The disappointment is clear; everyone but you sees it, if only you weren't so blind sometimes.

God, B, what've you done to me. How did you change me?

"_Faith!" My mom yelled yet again. _

"_Yes mom?" I asked with a yawn. _

"_What do you think your doing? Sleeping? Well there are things to be done, it's filthy in here. Clean up."_

"_Ok mom," I agreed quickly, starting to pick up the imaginary trash. _

"_You missed a piece," She said pointing it out. _

"_Sorry," I mumbled. _

"_Don't mumble. You piece of shit. You think this'll make me proud of you? Your just a little shit, always screwing up," She slurred, hitting me across the face. _

"_Sorry mom. I'll try harder," I cry gently. _

"_You say that time and time again, but every single time I come home this place looks like shit. Get out; you're not welcome here anymore."_

_I nodded, and quietly packed my stuff. I found her asleep on the couch. _

"_Bye mom, I love you," I whispered as I walked out the door. Shutting my old life behind me. _

I became cold after that, how did you bring feeling back into my life?

**  
I never stopped to think of you  
I'm always wrapped up in  
Things I cannot win**

I never thought my life would end up where it is. I never thought I'd be a fugitive. Luckily you changed that part of me, and instead of standing still in a cold cell thinking about this, I'm smoking a cigarette and watching the stars. You turned me around B, and made my life worth living.

**  
You are the antidote that gets me by  
Something strong  
Like a drug that gets me high**

You're like the Heroin I took for such a long time. Warm, dangerous and addicting. B, you're the epitome of perfection. Now all you need is someone to tell you that.

**  
What I really meant to say  
Is I'm sorry for the way I am  
I never meant to be so cold **

_You probably don't realize how much you truly meant to me, and now that we've gone on with our lives, I realize that I made a mistake. I should've told you, but because I was afraid, I didn't, and now my chance is gone. And all I can say is sorry, even though you don't know why._

"_So, I'm sorry B," I say softly to myself._

**  
To you I'm sorry about all the lies**

"_Sorry for what?" Someone asks from behind me. _

"_Sorry for lying, sorry for being so damn bitter, sorry for never telling you how I really felt," I sighed. _

"_Now wouldn't that last one tie into the whole lying thing?"_

_I turned around and was met with green eyes, blonde hair, and a petite figure. _

"_B?" I stammered backing up. I felt around for anything to catch my weight. _

_She smirked and stepped closer to me. _

"_Yes Faith?" She asked walking up to me and slowly circling me as she stroked my cheek. I felt the blush rise in my face. _

"_I…..I….I love you Buffy," I muttered. _

**  
Maybe in a different light  
You could see me stand on my own again**

"_You love me?" You asked slowly, almost seductively._

"_Yeah, B, I do," I said the realization finally hitting me. _

"_Well, what If I said I love you to?" You asked pulling your face so it was close to mine. _

"_Then I might just have to do this," I said smirking as I kissed you. You kissed back demandingly. My hands got a grasp in your hair, and your legs were soon around my waist. I broke the kiss off, breathing heavily. "That was…..wow," I said a content look on my face. _

_You smiled, threw something at me, and walked off. _

**  
Cause now i can see  
You were the antidote that got me by  
Something strong like a drug that got me high**

_I looked at the card you threw at me. 'What the fuck?' I thought. It had a number, and an address on it. _

**_Buffy Summers_**  
_**School Councilor.** _

_On the back it said. 'I thought you'd want a way to get a hold of me. Give me a call, and we'll have date or something.'_

_I smirked, and dialed the number that said 'Home Phone'_

"_Buffy Summers," You announced._

"_Hey B, I thought that maybe you would want to go on a date or something." I heard you laugh on the other line. _

"_How does tonight sound?" You asked. _

"_Tonight sounds fine."_

**  
I never really wanted you to see  
The screwed up side of me that I keep  
Locked inside of me so deep**

_I met you at the Starbucks by your house._

"_B, I have something that I've needed to say to you for a very long time," I sighed sitting down._

_You nodded, and I went on. _

_I apologized for everything I had done, how I had screwed up your life, as you just sat there in silence sipping your mocha. _

"_Shhh…Faith, I forgive you, I forgave you a long time," You finally said, putting down your coffee. I picked mine up, getting lost in the Vanilla Latte with four shots of Espresso, and two shots of Caramel. You lowered it away from my face, and smiled gently. _

"_Can you see why I love you?" You asked me softly. _

"_No, B, why do you love me?"_

"_Cuz you're not afraid to be you. No matter what happens, you always show the real you, and that's the you I fell in love with," You said taking my hand in yours. I stared into your green eyes, and saw sincerity. _

_I reach across the table with my other hand, dropping the coffee on the table. I softly brushed over your lips, letting my fingers do the talking. _

_You smiled, and kissed me. _

**  
It always seems to get to me  
I never really wanted you to go  
So many things you should have known  
I guess for me there's just no hope  
I never meant to be so cold**

That was so long ago, and I still can't believe your gone. I can't believe that I ever made you walk away from me.

"_Faith?" You asked softly closing the door. _

"_Yes?" I asked quietly._

"_Is something wrong?"_

_I sighed. "No, nothing's wrong."_

"_Don't shut me out!" You yelled. _

"_I'm sorry, I'm sorry B," I cried._

"_No your not, do you just not care anymore?"_

_I cried softly into the pillow. _

"_Something like that," I said coldly. _

"_Then I guess we're done," You said sadly, biting gently on your lip trying to stop the tears that were threatening to fall out of your eyes. I watched you pick up the stuff you had just dropped, and leave my house. _

_My cries were heard all the way down the street, and so were yours. _

You were hit by a car that night, all because I wanted to save you. You know those slayer dreams we have? Well, I saw one, and in it you died because I couldn't let you go. And yet you died because of me anyway.

I gently touched the wording on your grave, tracing over the familiar words.

_**Buffy Summers  
1981-2005 RIP  
A statue stands in a shaded place  
An angel girl with an upturned face  
A name is written on a polished rock  
A broken heart that the world forgot.**_

"I guess some things just aren't meant to be saved B," I smiled, and turned.

"See you next year."

I waved as I made my way back to my car, lighting my last cigarette, and reminiscing on the girl I loved, and lost.


End file.
